Overcoming Barriers to Connection with Bids
By Ashley Or
It was a beautiful spring day and I had just parked a van full of kids at our local playground. A blue bird whistled from the tree directly in front of us and the smell of wildflowers drifted in through the window. I couldn’t wait to go out and enjoy the sunshine with my boys. Just before I opened the door my son spoke words that made my heart sink, “mom, can I bring the tablet?”
Why oh why, I thought, do I have to force my kids to PLAY. Good old-fashioned, get-on-your-knees dirty play. I told my son “no” and ushered them outside, and then I wondered for a while about how we got to this place, how disconnected my kids could be from the natural. The truth is, I’m not setting a great example for them. I’m often on my phone instead of connecting with them, with my husband, or even with the Lord.
Connection is what we were created for, with the Lord and with each other. To be fully seen and fully known, naked and unashamed. But there seems to be so much that keeps us from connecting and our current technological age is only one of them. As a marriage therapist, I have seen many couples long for deep, consistent connection yet completely miss each other - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes out of revenge.
The Things that Prevent Connection
Here are three things that can keep us from truly connecting with the people we most long to connect with:
Distraction: This is what I experienced at the park. Imagine coming home after a long day. Maybe you’ve dealt with criticisms from coworkers or maybe your brain has just been on overdrive and you need a break. Your roommate greets you and begins to tell you all about her day but all you want to do is zone out in front of the TV, so that’s what you do. Then, after a quick dinner you zone out on your phone. When you lay your head on your pillow you realize you don’t know much about what has gone on in your friend’s life that day or maybe even the whole week. What you have intended as a brief cool down from a long day has turned into drifting away from those you care about or love.
Perceived Rejection: Imagine a husband and wife sitting together on the couch. The wife begins to bring up something that has been on her mind. Her husband, excited for the basketball game that’s about to come on, puts his arm around her and says, “uh huh.” The wife pulls away angrily.
A few days later, the husband sees his wife’s favorite candy at the grocery store. He buys it for her and when he gives it to her, she says,”Are you trying to make me fat?”.
A few days later, the wife tells her husband that she made sure to wash the dishes the night before and her husband says, “uh huh.”
A few days later the husband sees a new movie coming out in the theater and asks his wife if she would like to go. She says, “How do you expect me to be able to have time to go to a movie, with a full time job and three kids?
Get the point? Both the husband and wife are completely missing each other. Each expects their spouse to connect in the way they want and when that doesn’t happen, they experience a sense of rejection, even though their spouse had no intention of hurting them.
Actual Rejection: This is the hardest to deal with. When someone hurts us, betrays us, or refuses to be there when we truly need them, it creates a deep wound. Many people build walls around that wound to make sure no one can touch it. They may choose not to trust and keep loved ones at an arm's length, even though they deeply want them close.
Experiencing neglect or abandonment as a child teaches us that people are not safe and when people are not safe, we will not risk the vulnerability of letting someone know what we need or how we feel. The sad part is, this self-protection just perpetuates the trauma. We know the pain of rejection and so instead of talking about it, we watch for it and may push people away before they get the chance to push us away. This type of disconnection needs a safe place to slowly open up and experience forgiveness so that they can be able to trust again.
Making Bids for Connection
The Gottman Institute completed research, beginning back in the 70s, on what makes a successful marriage. Much of what they found, however, is applicable to any relationship be it husband/wife, parent/child, or close friends. The Gottmans coined the term “bids for connection.” Humans need connection and we make bids to each other for it. The response to those bids can be “turning towards” by responding appropriately and fostering that connection.
It can be “turning away” by ignoring due to distraction or simply missing each other or it could be turning against each other by responding angrily. If we consistently turn away or against our partner, our kids, or our friends, the bids naturally become less frequent, and eventually they may completely stop. This is when couples come into my office saying, “We’re roommates.”
But there is another way. When we choose to turn towards our loved ones, we communicate, “I’m here and I love you.” The bids reinforce one another and the connection grows. The Gottmans found that healthy relationships weren’t just good at knowing how to deal with conflict, they were good at cultivating friendship through small daily interactions that fostered connection. In healthy relationships, people spent time with each other asking about one another’s days; they learned each other’s language of love and accepted it; they created an environment where it was safe to talk about hurts both from outside and inside the relationship.
We don’t have to create grand gestures to show our loved ones we want to connect with them. Start small by listening, asking questions, and watching how they are trying to connect with you. Who knows, we may experience connection in a way we never thought possible on this side of heaven.
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