The Stages of Change
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
Photo by Ambrose Chua on Unsplash
The Challenge of Meaningful Change
Paul sums up what we all struggle with at some point in our lives. Change is hard. And it’s easy to become discouraged when we know we need to do better and be better, yet somehow can’t find a way to get there. Therapy is, at its core, a journey of discipleship, growth and spiritual maturation. Change that results in a better version of ourselves, becoming more Christlike, doesn’t often happen in isolation. We’re meant to grow in connection and community.
Much of what professional counseling provides is a new and fresh perspective. It’s easy to become a little tone deaf to the noise of unhealthy patterns in your life. Change happens when new awareness is matched with the courage and conviction to break old patterns and confront old demons. A therapist can help bring the awareness and fresh perspective. But only you can offer the courage to “step out of the boat“, and grow in ways you didn’t think were possible.
The Stages of Change
The Stages of Change Model offers a helpful way to understand and evaluate how change happens for you and those you love. Often times when clients ask me things like, “why can’t I change my situation”, “why do I feel so stuck?”, or “why can’t my loved one ever get their life together?”, I offer them this model to help them understand what’s going on and what they can do to influence growth within themselves and others.
Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation (“I don’t have a problem. If there’s a problem it’s with other people, not me.”)
Stage 2: Contemplation (“I have a problem but I’m not ready or willing to do anything about it now. Others can just learn to deal with me.”). Not Considering Change within the Next Month.
Stage 3: Preparation (“I know have something to work on. I also know somethings I can do to work on it. Now’s just not a good time to work on it.”). Planning to Act within One Month.
Stage 4: Action (“I’m ready and taking active steps to do my work. It’s difficult and I’m not sure what it all entails but I’m committed to doing the work”). Practicing New Behaviors for 3-6 Months.
Stage 5: Maintenance, Rinse & Repeat (“I’ve done a lot of work and the work continues but is easy enough for me to integrate into the normal rhythms of my life”). Post 6 Months to 5 Years
Stage 6: Relapse (“I’ve fallen back in to my old behaviors or relationships patterns, and I now have to decide what stage I’m going to pick things back up at.”) OR Level Up (“I’m not yet aware of the next area of my life that requires change and growth, but I’m open to learning”)
It’s helpful to think of these stages as an upward spiraling staircase. Each cycle presents a new level of personal growth and change. It requires having a growth mindset, believing that none of us are ever truly done with our growth and we are on a lifelong journey upward through these stages. It requires humility and an understanding that following Jesus means consistently engaging the work of discipleship and transformation. Change doesn’t happen unless you’re actively working through these cycles.
The Hardest Stage
If I had to guess, I’d say the hardest step for most of us is going from that first stage of pre-contemplation to the second stage of contemplation. It’s hard to do any real change or growth when you can’t see the problem for what it is. It’s also a surefire way to give away all your power in life, waiting, hoping and expecting others or your circumstances around you to change instead of you. It may be easier to wait for others to change, but you’ll probably have to suffer and miss out on a lot of life while you wait.
While becoming self-aware and owning your growth work is the hardest step to take, the relapse stage might be the most discouraging and frustrating. It’s common when we fall back into old habits to wonder if we’ll ever be able to change and “be better”. It’s helpful to remember that it’s one of the stages of change for a reason. Relapse is a common occurrence and one that you not only have to plan for, but embrace as part of the journey. Growth is incremental and isn’t possible without failure. If your goal is perfection, then it’s easier not to even try, which is the trap a lot of us fall into. Make room for grace and self-acceptance. It’s the only way you’ll be able to get back up and continue your work.
If you’re dealing with a situation that has become exhausting and is sucking the joy out of your life, I challenge you to do three things: 1) Consider the possibility that you might not be aware of what the actual problem is or be seeing it from the right angle, 2) Be open to the idea that working through your growth with someone you trust (like a friend, mentor, pastor or therapist) can help you see new angles to your situation, and 3) Remember that failure and mistakes are not only inevitable, but necessary for growth. Practicing self-acceptance and receiving grace from others can really help in your journey of change.
Pro-Tip
One last thing. This model is particularly helpful when you’re dealing with loved ones that are stuck and just can’t seem to get out of bad patterns in life. Here’s a pro-tip because therapists have to work with people stuck in bad cycles all the time: Don’t work harder than the person you want to help. By that I mean, don’t invest your time, energy and resources as though they’re in the action stage when really, they’re only in the pre-contemplation or contemplation stage. It may be clear as day to you they have a problem to work on but change can only happen when they begin to see the problem for themselves. You may in fact be doing more harm by pushing them into the action stage and trying to get them to do work they’re not ready to do. Why would they be motivated to work on things if you’re willing to do so much more work than them? They will only be motivated to change when the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing.